Friday, July 31, 2009

Not happening, but this might...

I've been to four Forever 21s, and I can't find that top anywhere I earlier mentioned. They arrange their merchandise rather haphazardly, so there is a small chance I missed it -- though I do spend about half and hour in each store as I look around, and I ask the clerk where it could be. So this may not happen.

However, an idea did come to mind. The deal is: help me refine it, and I'll tell you every detail of what happens:

1. Go into a party store and search for a sympathetic and gullible clerk -- probably someone younger. Tell her that I am looking to buy anything/everything for a teenager's birthday party that would make sure that the birthday girl is an embarrassed center of attention. I will likely end up with a wand, tiara, sash, who knows what else. The more the better.
2. When asked who this stuff is for, say that I'm not really sure, I'm just helping out a friend. I actually lost a bet and part of the payoff "I guess" is running errands for her.
3. After being helped, hand over a sealed envelope. Inside is a note saying that I'm unwittingly buying supplies for my own 13th birthday party. The true pay-off of the bet is that I'm the one who will be wearing all the supplies. In a humiliating episode to be captured on camera, I will blow out a candle on my own pink cupcake, and even unwrap a couple outfits. The note ends with an email address - if the clerk wants to see me as the "birthday girl" they can send a photo as thanks, or even have me visit the store on my "birthday", in a new outfit, maybe to pick up a balloon.

What do you think? I personally believe that people are pretty credulous and if the right clerk is picked it just might work...

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

How smart am I? Not very.

The two crimes for which Master most frequently punishes me are "not being boy crazy enough" and "being too smart".

The other day, he came up with a very fiendish punishment for being too smart. I was dressed in a typical outfit for me. I was wearing white capris, pink converse all-stars, pink bracelets, and a black tee with a pink glitter skull on it. Also several bangle bracelets. As a touch, master had put on long black nails on my fingers. A somewhat but not really goth look.

The nails would prove to be a problem. Master drove me to a movie theatre near dusk and had me stand near a light pole toward the front of the parking lot. He took a short chain, and snugly locked my waist (through a belt loop) to the pole. And he handed me one of these. The key to the lock was placed inside a plastic transparent cube. To unlock it, a small marble had to be rotated through a maze to a latch, where unlocking it would result in opening it. Master suggested I could prove how smart I was, as the longer it took, the more people would see me. Basically, I was trapped there as a girly girl until I solved the maze.

So here I was, in a frilly feminine outfit, struggling with long nails to maneuver a marble around a maze in dim light, with nowhere to go. Several people saw, and a few laughed...as I learned to my chagrin that no, I'm not that smart.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Holding pattern

The tank top to which I linked in my last post is hard to find...I've scoured two different Forever 21s without seeing one. I'm getting bummed out.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

You decide my fate...


First off, thanks to "teensissy" for her comment on my last post. Nice to know somebody is reading...

Second, take the time to download the latest production from SissyTrainer...it's about how to raise a teen sissy, and you may enjoy it. I liked it, but it's a shame the clothing pictures are so small!

Finally, we're going to try something new. Today, I am buying a top that I noticed and thought was just perfect for this time of year. It's from Forever 21 and is pictured at right. Here are the reasons that it's a great piece of clothing:

1. The cut -- a raceback tanktop like this means that your bra straps will be visible in the back. It is also cut a bit short to show the midriff...very important. The straps are too thin to be a boy's tank top as well. Regardless of printing, clearly a girl's top.

2. The message. Notice the use of the word "boys" -- this isn't for a woman or a mature young woman. This is for teenagers who still think of the opposite sex of boys. It also talks about camp, perhaps a combo football/cheer camp. But the abject message in unrestrained admiration, if not devotion, to "cute" boys -- something worth thanking God for.

Chances are, this will sell almost equally to college students at liberal arts colleges who wear this ironically as it will to teen girls who wear it in sincerity. Girls "like me" are clearly in the second category.

But here's where you come in. What I'm asking you all to do is to give me the most...appropriate place where I should photograph myself wearing it in the comments. Please don't go for something such as "adult book store", but rather the type of place a girl "like me" could end up wearing a shirt like that. I'll choose the time of day, and probably pair it with a cute miniskirt. I hope to complete that task by the end of next week. I may even post the photo.

Friday, July 24, 2009

.2%

There have been 880 pages views since I started this blog at the beginning of the month.

There has been one comment. Even allowing for the chance that many of these recorded page views are searchbots, that still works out to about .2%

It certainly seems that there's no interest out there for this kind of blog, and I'm wasting my time updating and writing it. Short of any interaction in the near future, I'll shut it down at the end of the month, as I've got enough on my plate already.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Girlie Collages


These graphic to my left took about an hour to make. You know why? Because it's a collage.

I spend a lot of my time making collages, because it gets me out of Master's way while still working on my training. Some are regular, and this is an online collage.

The way it works is that Master gives me a certain sentence. In this case it's "Cute girls like me only date real hotties". Then, I have to go on different, "appropriate" websites to find all the words that make up the sentence, save the screen image, and cut and paste them to create this sentence. Of course, Master carefully tracks my browser history (he loaded some program on my home computer a while ago) so he knows that I'm not getting these words from some dictionary site or something like that. Anyway, I have to tell him where I got the words from anyway.

For example, the word "only" is from a "limited time only" sale at Wet Seal, and "me" is from a bulletin board on Self Esteem Clothing. Scanning website after website takes a lot of time, and I have to read a lot of girlie stuff to do it. Master says this keeps me looking and learning where and what I should, while staying busy.

I thought you might enjoy one activity that is a common one I have to do. Master has said that if he has to punish me severely, he could give me a paragraph that involves words that I can only find by looking at sites I probably don't want to look.

Friday, July 17, 2009

So quiet

Almost no comments, few votes in the poll. SiteMeter tells me I get a fair number of visitors to this blog....please speak up? I want to keep going but will only do so if people seem to like what I'm doing....

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The meaning of "no"

This might be heavier than my other posts, but I think it's a look at how a small change can really affect your view of your Master or whole situation. See, Master agrees with me about the power of language. Those of you who have read 1984 know what I'm talking about, but for those who haven't, there's a basic idea about language:

It's almost impossible to consider an idea unless you have words for it.

For example, the word schadenfreude. It's a German word that means "taking joy in others' misery". When you laugh because the co-worker you hate got his hand stuck in the copier, that's schadenfreude. It was such an obvious part of life that when we realized there wasn't an English word for it, we went out and borrowed the German one.

My whole point is that we use words to carry ideas...no word, no idea. Which brings me back to Master. Do you which word was the first he banned from my vocabulary? Not some complex "boy word" about sports of news, but a simple one.

no

I'm not allowed to say no anymore. "Girls like me" don't say no. Because we love attention, and the best way to get attention is to make people think we might say "yes". You can't argue with "no"and that kills the conversation and attention. So I'm not allowed to use that word, instead I have to convinvce Master or whomever to change their mind...implying that I am subject to whatever they want.

For instance, if Master asks if I want to eat broccoli covered in chocolate, instead of saying "no" I can say "that doesn't sound good"...which implies that I will eat something different. If Master asks if I want to get a tan in my bikini and I say "it's kinda cold for a suntan today, don't you think?" it implies that I will get a tan later.

I'm not allowed to tell Master or anyone else that they' won't get what they want from me, I can only say they won't get it they way or the time they want. But they still might get it.

Which means over time I'm getting more and more used to the idea that Master will always get what he wants from me.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Skool daze

Of course, one major part of any girl's life is school, and at times Master has me practice how to do well in school. Of course, "do well" in Master's eyes is different than doing well in the eyes of a typical teacher or student.

Basically, the setup is usually pretty similar. I arrive for "school" dressed as Master has chosen. This is often a private school uniform with a raised skirt hem and little schoolgirl tie, or may be some flirty clothing appropriate for a public school. Depending on Master's mood, I may be chained to the hard chair or small table set up for me. I will have two sets of work in my messenger bag (not to be confused with my purse!) :

  • School work that has to be done, hopefully just above the bare minimum -- enough to get me to a D. This may be copying out of a book, answering questions from a reading, or taking notes from a video.; and
  • Real work that is of a social nature. This may be writing crush notes, checking my makeup, or reading CosmoGirl!
Master will come by from time to time, and I need to be ready to hide my real work, and make myself look studious. He enjoys asking belligerent questions as I bat my lashes and giggle, claiming that I am paying attention. Sometimes, I get caught and he takes away my real work, which will result in a punishment down the line. Just like in real life, it's turning into a cat and mouse game where I learn new ways to do what I "want" to do in order to stay ahead of Master.

As with so many things, on one hand I'm proud of how good I'm getting at checking my eye shadow while appearing to watch a video...but on the other it's sad how good I'm getting at it!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Mirror, mirror

Well, Master had something new for me today....a full length mirror! In case you're wondering where the money comes from, I give Master a small fee for his time and thought, which is only fair. I thought Master was going to have me put the mirror someplace strategic, but he just smiled and said I'd find out later. In the meantime, I was to write a description of my ideal date with my current crush on paper.

I didn't get it, but I don't get a lot of what Master had me do until it's too late. So I sat down and in my best girlish voice I wrote down a description of the perfect date. It filled up the whole page, which is my maximum. That's right, maximum...girls like me shouldn't get too carried away with writing...that's for smart girls and boys.

I find Master in his study and give him the paper, or at least I try to. But Master says no, and gives me some Windex and three tubes of hot pink lipstick. Then he tells me my job for the day. I'm going to tell him the story using the mirror. I have to write as much of the story I can on the mirror in pink lipstick that is readable, take a pic, clean it off, and move on.

I thought this was just a mean thing to do until I started, then I realize that it is part of Master's smart way to torture me. Since I was writing on the mirror, I couldn't help but see myself. I wasn't staring , but I had to concentrate to write it just write like on the paper. The whole time, I see myself in the background, in my latest trendy outfit, lamplight sparkling off my glitter eyeliner. Of course, I'm in the background of all the photos, too.

The last pic was the worst, because Master wanted the story to end with one of his favorite phrases. So now he has a pic of pink lipstick on the mirror reading "and he leaned in and kissed me and made me his"...right below a photo of me blowing a kiss into the mirror wearing that same lipstick!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Fandom

Of course, I'm a fan of Twilight as Master demands, and that means I'm a fan of the character Edward Cullen. I have the sheer top that reads "I dreamed of Edward Cullen last night," which he enjoys having me wear as I watch a bootleg copy of the move a fifth time. I have gone in public wearing a Twilight t-shirt many times while dressed as a male. While not exactly cross-dressing, it is humiliating to seem invested in a series aimed squarely at younger girls.

I'm also now a fan of Robert Pattinson, the actor who plays him. While Master severely limits how often I interact with the public as "the girl I really am", he makes an exception in this case. Which means every few days I write another mash note to Pattinson in my girliest handwriting. A sample:

I want to say that i think you are the best actor who ever lived. You make Edward come alive and i never thought i could love him as much in the movie as i do in the book, but you make me love him even more. Your eyes are as deep as i always pictured reading the book an i sometimes stop the movie just to stare at them....
Ad nauseum. Depending on his mood, Master also sees fit to have me address an envelope to Pattinson's agent, stamp it, and put the mash note in it. And rest assured, next time I am to be punished, I am dressed up as a Twilight fangirl, given a long walk to a mailbox in another town, and off the note goes to the agent.

If I get even a form letter back, I don't want to know what Master's plans are then.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

lines

As most Masters do, mine likes it when I write lines. Writing the same thing over and over and over again. It's one of my most common punishments. He doesn't have me do it on paper though...I do it on big pieces of poster board. That way, they go up when I'm around to remind me of what I did, how I was punished, and what I should believe.

What I write and how often depends on what I did. But it always is in my girliest handwriting. That means all curves, no angles. Also, all i's are dotted with circles or if I'm in real trouble, hearts. The ink can be whatever color, but the pen must always be pink.

The other day I forgot to refresh my lip gloss for half an hour becauase I was so inot Sealed with a Diss. Master said he was pleased I cared so much about the lives of other girls, but I should always remember to look my cutest. So I had to write "I love my yummy lip gloss!!" 100 times on poster board, and it's up on the wall now. Of course, I'm kept secured to the desk until I'm done which is great motivation...

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Boy clothes

Master played a rude trick on me today. He asked if I thought I had earned the chance to wear some male clothing for a while. Of course I said yes because the tops I wear always show too much skin and get all clingy. Master proposed this deal: I could wear a male sweatshirt all day if he picked all the other clothing, and agreed to a photo shoot. So of course I said yes...what could be embarrassing about a male sweatshirt?

I'll tell you. I tore open the box...and lifted out a male XXXL sweatshirt way too big for me. That smelled of sweat and cologne, and had a high school wrestling legend on the front and back, and the name of my current crush embroidered on the sleeve. He must have gotten it at Salvation Army of something.

So here I am swimming in a wrestling sweatshirt that obviously isn't mine, almost but not quite covering up my miniskirt. The stench of maleness is clashing with my cotton candy perfume, and my biggest heart pendant is over the neckline. All the time, Master is laughing and taking photos as my hot pink nails point to the name on my sleeve and make kissy faces and bat my eyelashes for the camera. Right now, I'm constantly pushing up the sleeves as they roll down to type, reminding me that I'm play-acting when I'm wearing male clothing...for all the wrong reasons...

Monday, July 6, 2009

About crushes

It dawns on me I should make something clear: all my crushes are on Master, just not Master today. He has kindly supplied me with a wealth of stuff from his earlier days (his mother was a pack rat) to keep me active in that way. Of course, as Master says, a girl like me doesn't crush on the same guy that long, so he's constantly changing the name and often likes to change some details. It's always his picture (yes, more on that in a second) and the same basic personality...it's always him but it amuses him to change the details around.

Whichever version of Master it is, I am expected to be loyal and obsessed with him. I am to memorize anything he tells me about this crush. As Master says, next to looking cute, the most important thing to a girl like me is her crush...and who am I looking cute for anyway? So a lot of what I do is practicing how to have a crush.

The other day he came up with something particularly humiliating for me to do with my current crush (Josh -- Master in his younger days). He chained my legs to a chair to make sure I couldn't move around -- Master often restricts my movement to make sure I focus. Then he set up his videocamera. I was to sit supporting my head with my hands on my lower jaw and neck, showing off my pale blue nail polish. Then the trick he played -- he put a photo of his younger days in front of me.

I was instructed to stare at it until I could manage to cry. I tried real hard for about 20 minutes, but couldn't start crying no matter what. Master decided to make it worse for me. He coached me on how to get the waterworks started, then made me pay for failing him...

Now Master has about 2 minutes of video of me sitting , staring at this pic. About a minute into it, my eyes start leaking. Off-camera, you hear Master's voice: "what's wrong honey". And I have to say, mascara trails streaking down my cheek, cotton candy pink lips trembling:

"Nothing's wrong...Josh is just SO cute and I love him SO much".

Reading material

Master thinks it's very important that I don't seem much of a good reader. The type of girl he wants me to be doesn't read much, he tells me. He says that I shouldn't be too smart. He says that a lot. I get punished by Master for "sounding too smart" all the time.

So of course he doesn't like the idea of reading. A girl like me should only read to learn how to do a better job being a girl like me. And that means a very short reading list.

Master has two things he expects me to read:
Magazines like CosmoGirl! and ElleGirl, and
"The Clique" series of books about middle school girls.

He regularly checks up on my reading (I've read three novels in the Clique series. I read CosmoGirl often, take all the quizzes and compose shopping lists) and quizzes me to make sure that I am paying attention. He says it's the best way to learn how to act around other girls and even boys. Of course, I'm never around them, but he says I should know anyway.

It's getting to the point that I actually care about some of what I'm reading...

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Happy fourth!

Just a happy Fourth of July to everyone...a bit late though. Master decided that I should celebrate, by being a patriotic cutie. I did my nails in alternating red, white, and blue. I dressed up in a short white tank top with "America" written across the chest in red, and denim short shorts. Flip-flops of course. I did my hair in two ponytails tied in red/white/blue ribbons. Master even painted a glittering American flag on my cheek.

Then he said we would go for a drive to see some fireworks. An hour later, we arrived at a small town green where people were gathering for a town fireworks show. Then he dropped the bomb...I would provide a bit of early entertainment. The light was dimming, and it was that twilight where it's so hard to see. Anyway, we got out of the car and moved slightly out of sight. Master gave me two sparklers, and lit them...and told me to smile and run around in front of the crowd, twirling, until they gave out.

So I ran around smiling, twirling the sparklers and twirling myself the way I knew he wanted. If I kept moving in the dim light, chances are most people saw me and figured I was just some giggly girl with her sparklers. Any suspicions would be erased by the pattern of light and dark I was creating. But by the time they gave out and I was returning to the car, I know everyone had at least glanced at me...a silly girl celebrating her nation's birthday.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Routines

For fun, I decided to put down some of the routines that Master expects of me. He's very good at punishing me if I don't do it. It's gotten to the point where I am so in these habits I almost never forget when he's around! There's tons of stuff when I'm talking or other things, but if I'm just sitting, I am supposed to...

Always
Smile (nobody likes a pretty girl who isn't happy)
Be chewing bubble gum
Have the word "boy" or the name of a boy somewhere on your clothing or skin (he's very serious about crushes)
Be wearing cotton candy Body Fantasy spray (he says I should smell as sweet as I am)
Have nail polish that matches my outfit (sometimes that means changing polish twice in a day!)

At least every ten minutes
Re-do my hair (if it's braids, every hour)
Refresh my lipgloss (purse must always be within reach)
Check my fingernails
Tug everything back in place (hemlines down, necklines up)
Blow a bubble

At least every half hour
Go to the bathroom (at least to check makeup)
Re-fit my bra, make sure it's comfy
Drink a glass of water

That's just some of what I can remember. Master says that the more I learn these routines, the more natural they are and the better I'll be at learning more important things.

"I love chocolate"
Even though it can make me fat,
Chocolate's the best stuff you can eat
I should have like none of that,
But it's such a yummy treat!

Master makes sure I don't have too much
When I do it means more practice cheering
But I love American chocolate, Belgian, Dutch
Even though it just means more fat appearing.

This is the last of Master's topics, so I hope that you all suggest some new poem topics in the comments! Pleeeeeze?

Friday, July 3, 2009

I'd like to be

It would never happen, but I'd love to be dressed up in some of my authentic cheerleader camp wear or even my uniform from a Midwestern high school I got online, and have to stand by the door of a supermarket. Hair bow flopping, can in hand, layered in makeup raising funds for my squad. Trying to figure out how to act when some of the football guys came into the store...

I've done roleplays about this online, and I often think about converting the logs to a story, but I can never quite figure out how...

"I love football players"
If soccer boys are good, football ones are best
They're hunky and muscley, they all are you know
Sure they might flunk some school project or test
But his tutor just might be you

Okay, I know I'm not smart enough to tutor one
But I love watching them scrimmage and practice all day
They're sweaty and so cute when they're games are done
And I love to spend my time watching them play.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Job applications

Master does like to have me put in public for mockery and exposure in very limited ways. His new thing is to have me pick up job applications. This week I went to a local Papa Gino's and pick a job application while in my new micro-miniskirt and embarrassing baby tee. The girl at the counter was laughing so hard, but just showed me where it was and I took it. The guy was laughing too.

I don't know which is worse, girls or guys seeing me dressed like this. I think it's girls, because it's harder to care what a guy thinks of me. But to me dismissed so obviously as a loser be a girl is very humiliating and reminds me what and who I truly am.

"I love lip gloss"
My lips don't sparkle and glitter on their own,
And they're not yummy cotton candy flavor
But I always keep my gloss next to my phone
So I have something I can savor.

Nothing says "I'm just a lil cutie" the way lip gloss can
And sometimes it screams "I might kiss you later"
It's something that would never be worn by a man
But it would always be worn by a double dater.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Oh yeah

Master wants me to end each post with a poem. It has to have the title "I love" and he's given me the first three titles. Then hopefully I'll have enough readers to take their suggestions. If you can suggest a poem title, leave it in the comments!

"I love bubble gum"

This girl loves her bubble gum,
Snapping and popping it all day,
If it's bubblicious or bubble yum
It always chases my blues away.

The taste is sugary sweet and I am too
And it's my favorite color -- baby pink
I'm always choosing a piece or two
Even when I take a drink!

Costumes


Master wanted me to start by sharing something with you about costumes. The whole story of how Master came into my life and how I balance this time for Ashlee with reality will come later I guess. At least, that's what Master says.

I always keep an eye out for Halloween costumes, because that's the time I can most unapologetically be me in public. Last year I went out in my Strawberry Shortcake costume to a supermarket, Target, and even a few houses. It's a tight fit an I had to wear girlie boxers underneath. I also own a purr-fect French maid costume, too. But haven't worn that outside.

Master believes that the perfect Hallowe'en costume for a girl like me should send the message "I think you should take me seriously, but how could you?" He's looking for something more subtle than just cute and flirty, but he loves the pink. That's why he told me had to check out the "Skulls & Stars" costume. I mean, look, everything is all black and bad, but with red lacing and a little necklace, and a skirt with stars on it, how can you take it seriously? It's a ditzy girl's way of trying to be tough -- wearing black and all that -- but a cute little purse?

Anyway, I know he would love the idea of me constantly getting my skirt under control and watching my wings, walking around. Not to mention those belts. The idea of having to obssess about the state of my clothing is big one for him. One good thing -- it might be the only time I get to not smile around him! More on that later.

I probably can't fit into that piece since it's made for tweens, but Master may order it anyway. I'm getting better at sewing, and adding some pink lace at the seams, maybe I could squeeze in for some Hallowe'en humiliation.