Saturday, January 29, 2011

Fashion crime


So Master has come up with something he thinks is really funny.

To ensure that I'm staying fashionable, I'm occasionally forced to put some of my favorite outfits on Polyvore, a site dedicated to viewing and evaluating outfits. If it turns out that my outfit is rated below a certain high standard, that means that I'm committing a fashion crime.

What happens if I'm convicted of a fashion crime? Well, I receive a sentence. It usually consists of "community service" wherein I have to do some special cleaning or other drudgery work. That's not the point though -- the point is that it gives him an excuse to call me "criminal" refer to me by number, and above all make me wear the outfit at right. With the hat and boots of course.

If the score is particularly low, I have to wear leg chains to make sure I don't get away, or even occasionally handcuffs. And I'm starting to acquire quite a rap sheet...

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Naming it

Master clearly got some inspiration from Abercrombie Kids, where overpriced outfits are sold to impressionable consumers under names such as "Cheering Him On", "Getting the Gossip" and "Carry My Books". So one recent thing has been to take a photo of my current outfit and give it a name. He tells me that this will help identify why I'd use particular outfits.

His favorite names so far:
"Can I copy your homework?"
"I'm sorry you just broke up"
"Forget your girlfriend's name"
"It's worth it to be cute"

What would you suggest?

Friday, January 21, 2011

Cheerleaders in Competition, Part VI

"Oh my God!"

"What?"

"Seriously, look at this!" Taking a break from the slow-paced fundraising going on, Lisa handed Andrew her phone. In the photo was a grinning Kylee holding the fundraising can...and a $20 bill! "A twenty? Who seriously gives a twenty?"

Andrew figured that his mistress's best friend had merely cheated...something Lisa refused to even consider. "We're just going to have to try harder."

"Harder? I'm smiling and shivering in this little outfit you got me wearing...what else can I do?"

Lisa narrowed her eyes by way of response. "You'll see."

A trio of college males walked out, carrying a 12 pack of Budweiser. They glanced toward Andrew, vacant smile stretched across his lips, when Lisa piped up. "Hi boys!"

Andrew watched their eyes...and only one of them looked at Lisa for more than a second...the other two were drinking up the image of Andrew standing in front of them. "Hey...uh, what's up?"

Lisa sighed dramatically "It's just so tough...we're trying to raise money for our cheer squad...Ashleigh here is the cutest member--" (Andrew hated the tallest boy for nodding) "-- but we just can't raise enough money in this economy. Do you boys have any advice for what we could be doing better?"

The tallest one spoke up, eyes affixed to Andrew's breasts. "I'd give this cutie a couple dollars for her email address..." Lisa pretended to hem and haw, until his buddy broke in "I'd give five for her phone number!" As Andrew's stomach quailed, it was decided that $7 would be a fair price for Andrew's phone number...and a pic of him surrounded by the guys.

Lisa smiled, holding Andrew's phone..."crowd around her guys -- don't be shy!" Drowning in a smell of manly sweat balanced by his own sweet perfume, Andrew gently put his arms around the shoulder of two of the guys. "On three! One..."

...they grew closer...

"...two..."

...and a hand went on his butt...

"...three! Don't worry guys, this is Ashleigh's phone, so when you get the photo, you'll get the number as well!"

Andrew, absently touched his rear as Lisa came over. "Say, Ashleigh, when's the last time you charged your phone?"

"Um, yesterday, why?"

"Well, considering that two of those guys are texting like mad, I think that won't be the last photo I take with it today..."

Andrew would have protested, but a new group came out the supermarket, and he stepped right up. "Hi! My squad is raising funds..."