Monday, December 30, 2013

Happy New Year

As 2013 draws to a close, I realize this blog has been quieter than usual.  I won't go on about disappointments or pesky "real life".  I did have a great Halloween and one memorable trip.  So although I haven't found a Master as much as I'd wish, and had a couple people not really follow through on what seemed like a promising beginning, I like 2013.  I hope next year is as a good  Happy New Year everyone!!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013


So I had another...experience today.  (Back to fiction, alas....)

Master had dressed me in a typically cute short shorts over pink neon leggings, and a red abercrombie top with a black vest from North Face partially zipped.  Usual stuff, with a couple necklaces and bracelets completing the outfit.

I was placed at a pole in the parking lot of a restaurant that would open in an hour.  I was told my job was eaasy...the combination lock of the chain keeping me there was written on a piece of paper...just read it and I could let myself free and save some embarrassment.

The paper was taped heavily onto a thermos...basically, I had to drink all the blue liquid in it in a hurry to find the combination so I could get out.  Master saw the look in my eyes, and he could tell I was thinking what you are thinking.  "No, it's not that....I wouldn't do that to you."

And no, the contents did not taste salty as I slurped them down.  It did taste....heavy though.   Not heavy but's tough to describe.  Enough that I couldn't chug it through the straw, and it was a good 20 nerve-wracking minutes as I stood there with my sparkly eye shadow and gulped the contents down.  Yes, the nail extensions gave me trouble, but I eventually unlocked the combination at 14-32-31.

I walked across the parking lot into my car, flip-flops slapping all the way, shivering in the November cold, and drove home.

It would be a while before I learned I had sucked down two cups worth of Master's spit that day.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Listening might be wondering what I listen to on the radio.  Aside from every One Dimen sion song I can find of course!  Well, Master has satellite radio, and has several stations from which I am expected to choose.  Radio Disney is obviously on the list, but a lot of pop stuff is on there as well, always in the background.  And every week Master flips to each station in turn, and I listen for ten seconds.  If I do not identify the song and artist correctly, I lose ten points.

If I lose thirty points in an afternoon, I have to do some remedial listening.  Walking a mile while the "appropriate" music plays on my iPod around 8pm.  In a neighborhood of his choosing. 

Wearing one of my One Direction shirts.

Friday, November 1, 2013

My halloween

So you might be wondering how it went last night.  I set out in my Cheshire Cat costume looking for some mischief.  And I found it.  The following is all true.  Not as amazing as some people feel every day, but darn special for me.

The costume was as shown in the illustration of somebody definitely not me.  I added some purple and pink eye shadow, purple lipstick, and drawn-on whiskers.  Fake nails with glow-in-the-dark glittery pink nail polish. I had a blonde wig with twin ponytails held together with pink ribbons.  I also wore 2 inch heels with a rather narrow base, and the whole thing was hosed down in cotton candy perfume.  My belongings (makeup, gum, furry pink wallet, keys) were in a purple sequined purse with handles that meant it had to be hand-carried.  Between the smile and the purse, my hands were pretty full.  There was one final accessory that I shall mention later.

To begin with, I decided to complete my costume at a couple pet stores.  I entered one and was greeted by a woman in her early-thirties with various flesh wound makeup on her face who guided me to the collars.  I selected one and brought it to the counter with her, nearly breaking an ankle on my first mis-step in the heels.  I did timidly explain that this costume was not mine, no, but the consequence of betting on the [hated rival] to outperform the [local team] in [sport].  The cashier was cheerful and amused, and off I went.

At pet store number two for the leash, I found it on my own, and was greeted by a drily humorous older lady who told me that she "was dressed as a PetSmart employee" for Halloween.  The highlight (aside from scrabbling around to find enough cash for the purchase and cling to it with my nails) was when she asked me if the leash was "for you or your date".  I did tell her it was for me.

Then I took an extended drive to a local community college.  I drove the campus and was pleased to see about half the students in some sort of costume -- often a minidress and devil horns for the girls, and a basketball jersey for the guys.  Close enough.  So I found the student union, which had a Dunkin' Donuts inside.  I decided I would buy some milk.  After a walk.

And thus began probably the gutsiest thing I've ever done.  In full costume (with fake glasses that reduce my vision notably), I walked about 3/4 of a mile in either direction.  Yes, it was dark, but I got four wolf whistles total.  I think I should have gotten a 9.6 at least from an amazing recovery from simultaneous twisted ankles from my shoes that I nevertheless survived on my feet.

I got a couple shouted comments and horn honks from cars driving past.  Groups silenced as I walked past.  Some might have smiled, but I couldn't tell without my glasses.  Two girls I am pretty sure crossed the street to avoid having to get too close.  One group I had to pass offered these comments from guys "Oh god yes", "This is too real for me" and "Me likey"...and an exasperated girl "god, you guys, it's a Cheshire cat!"  I eloquently responded with silence as my heart was pounding.

I finally made it into the DD and went to the counter with my bottled milk.  And there I did something else I've never done.  I told the truth.  The cahsier, a cute college girl with a pair of fairy wings said "Oooh, that's cute."  I thanked her and admitted I'd "had help"...we had a short chat about how dressy it was, and she wished me a good night.

On the walk back, more hoots and hollers...I had more confidence now but never got the chance to engage before I landed in my car.   I had been on display for dozens of college kids, absolutely ridiculous and helpless.  It was exhilarating.


One last encounter on the way home.  I did stop by Hooters but it was packed and I decided not to go in.  But I did find an Applebee's that was on the verge of closing.  I decided to wait until most people had cleared out, and walked in.  The conversation went like this:

Smiling girl dressed as a pirate girl: "Hello.  Seating for one?"  [Already messing with me...a good sign!]
Me: "Uh, no.  I just need an application for waitress.  I'm paying off a bet."
Her: "Sorry, those are all online.  I don't have any..."
Me: "Uh...well...can I get some proof I was here?"
She hands me a business card, and I turn to go.  At that time, two things happen.  One is a colleague dressed as a sexy schoolgirl appears and leans on her laughing.  The second is that I hear velcro rip.

See, all throughout the night hanging from my tail was a final accessory -- a folded over sign that read on the outside "STEAL MY TAIL and I will..." and on the inside of the car "...meow...pose...crawl...sing...kiss..or anything else you ask.  If I do not text xxx-xxx-xxxx and I will be in lots of trouble"  The first cashier had shown interest, and I explained what it was, and that I wore it as a deal in exchange for not having to shave my body hair.  I offered the same explanation this time.

Her: "Well, look at this!"  She reads the card aloud to her friend.  "So this means you're in trouble now?"
Me: "Well, if I don't come back with the tail.  I will be.  They won't even let me back in the apartment."
Her: "So..."
Me: "So...well, what do I have to do for you to give it back to me?"
At this she and her friend smiled, and read over the note.  I had waited for this for years. 
Her: "Well, give me your best meow."
Me: "Mmmeow"
Her:  "No, something more fierce than that.  With a claw."
Me (feeling wonderfully ridiculous) "mmeeeeow!  rawr!" making pawing motions with both hands.  I was under her control.
Her: "Hm...let's see...what else...oh, give me a pose."
I try a couple poses, hands on hips, jutting out a hip, etc., before she has me stretch across the table.  I will admit I was sad not to be photographed, but so be it.
Her: "Okay, that was great.  Here's your tail...but you have to wave on the way out.  Can you do a Miss America wave?  I'll wave you out."
And darn if I didn't have to wave as I walked outside and along the building as she paced from the inside.  A couple confused customers got the wave as well as two ruffians smoking around the corner.  Lucky I didn't get beat up for  that one.  I made it to the car, and wow what a night.

So it just keeps getting better.  Not as a good as the experience for many of you, but pretty awesome nonetheless.  Hope you enjoyed the memories of Halloween 2013!

Saturday, October 26, 2013


A bit quiet on the blog these days.  No reaction to my costume choice or story, so that's a shame.  In any case, getting ready for Thursday.
I'm going to be a Cheshire Cat, and am tentatively planning to spend time around a local university.  In years past, I've had someone encouraging me by phone and email, in one case setting me up a bit for some potential humiliation.  Seems I'm on my own tonight.

Suggestions for things to do?

Thursday, October 17, 2013

A tail of my decision

Okay, many of you aren't going to like this.  I'm not going to be Goldilocks.

As cute as the outfit is, for me Halloween is the outfit and the actions.  What action goes along with Goldilocks?  Skipping is all about all I can think of.

As for the 1D fan, listening to their music, buying their stuff in a mall, loading down with all sorts of crap...the ideas are much more wide open.

The cheshire cat has a collar with a little bell, and a tail.  Imagine attaching a sign to the tail reading "IF YOU STEAL MY TAIL, I will..." and then options on the inside.

So that's not going to happen.  Of those two, I'm still a bit undecided.  I'll listen to your ideas, but in a couple days will have my decision.

Then the fun begins: planning that night.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The Alices, Part VI

Tranh couldn't figure out where to start.  This was a crazy holiday -- just dress up and people give you candy!  Nobody did anything like this back home in Vietnam!  Awesome that her family had just moved to America...if only the language was easier.  Maybe we could start with that Sni...Sna...however you pronounce it, it was delicious!

The Spirits of Halloween drew back from the Tho household as Tranh reveled in her new life in America.  Somewhere inside, the former supremacist preacher Troy Thomas was raging, but he was just along for the ride.  With some good done and Halloween restored, the Spirits celebrated one great holiday.  Those horrid men had gone through the looking glass and came out the other side better (and cuter) for it.

Monday, October 14, 2013

The Alices, Part V

"Omigod Callie, you are SO funny!  Now get away from there!"

Callie giggled and ran down the walk.  She was proud that she never turned down a dare.  Like, never.  It was one of the reasons she had so many friends.  Her friends all laughed and shared pics as they continued down the street trick-or-treating.  It was great being so popular.  Why didn't more girls try it?

All the other girls had been too chicken to go up to the house when Callie called them out.  So some megarich millionaire preacher guy who disappeared last week lived there.  So what?  Guy probably went looking for the "aloneness with God" he always went talking about on this shows her parents watched.

"Hey Callie, see that cute guy in the pirate outfit?  Dare you to try to get his number..."

"What wassat? I was texting.  Say it again?"

"You are so funny, Callie.  But, see that cute boy...."

Thursday, October 10, 2013

The Alices, Part IV

Jacqui Devlin checked herself in the mirror one last time.  Her hair was glossy smooth, the dress fit just right in the right places.  She was ready.

Jacqui was on her way out to the Halloween dance at Tisdale High School and she had some treats in mind that she was going after.  The new lip piercing looked really cute, she decided, and sent the message that tonight was a night for adventure and fun.  She grabbed a small purse and walked out, carrying her two-inch heels in a bag -- if her parents saw what she was planning to wear for shoes they'd freak out!

It was kind of strange, Jacquie decided, as she got into her car for only the sixth time ever.  Her parents had been real strict ever since they started going to that church run by John Devon, who always railed about Jezebel and whores.  Weird that they'd suddenly decided it would be okay for her to get her lip pierced.  And start dating.  And start taking birth control.  Of course, Minister Devon had disappeared just the night before, so they were pretty distracted...

Monday, October 7, 2013

The Alices, Part III

It was remarked that Reverend Lawrence Cotter had to buy a new Bible every year.  Not because he lost it, or destroyed it, but because he wore out the same bit every twelve months -- he loved preaching about idols.  Nearly every week he found a new object to be inveighed against.  His most famous moment (beloved on YouTube) was when he snatched a teddy bear out of the arms of a girl at his megachurch and tore its head off while screaming about having on god but the one god...

It took at the she had not to roll her eyes as her best friend asked the same questions AGAIN.

"You really are going to carry that around all night, Laianne?" she asked.

"Yeah, he's so cute!  His shirt even matches my apron.  Maybe I can get extra candy if I say he wants some too!"  Even though she tried hard to project a wordly air befitting a college sophomore, Laianne had loved Mr. Snuggles for years, and could never let him go.  Not even on Halloween.

Friday, October 4, 2013

The Alices, Part II

Reverend Klein Thomas had built his church as the "Farmers' Home".  Taking coin from humble workers of the land came naturally to the Thomas family, after all.  His Daddy had been a rather slick loan officer at the Farmers' Credit Bureau before it went bust.  His Granddaddy had sold patent medicines.  Reverend Thomas sold salvation by the hundreds.

So the "Helloween Project" cooked up by the group that called themselves God's Circle was a natural fit.  He had worked in Reverend Morton's remarks on America as Alice, but had included some nice bits on harvesting the seeds of righteousness.  October 31st was going to be a wonderfully quiet day.  There wasn't a decoration in sight, and the check from Federal Department Stores was sitting in his bank account.  Pleasant dreams were on the way...

...Kaylee Thompson woke up from some pleasant dreams starring Colin, the tractor salesman downtown.  They'd been flirting for a little while and oh my god what am I thinking?  Klein jerked upright, his luxurious king-sized bed replaced with a simple twin.  The recessed lighting by a couple little lamps from Walmart with pink furry lampshades.  Of course, that has nothing compared to Klein himself.

"My God" he muttered.  What had happened " my hair?"  A lifetime of experience helping people possessed, it didn't take long for Klein to realize what was going on...he was possessing someone else.  And judging from her actions and thoughts, he was basically along for the ride.  Klein was aghast as he (or Kaylee?) showered and primped for a day at the tiny school somewhere in Iowa.  Most horrifyingly, it seemed that the Helloween Project had passed over the town, as everyone was asking...

"...Alice.  I found this totally cute Alice costume and I'm changing into it right after school!"

The girl he was talking too -- Yasmine -- poked him in the ribs.  "And going right to Weber's Farm Supplies on some stupid made-up errand, aren't you?"

Kaylee giggled.  Of course she was going to show off her outfit to Colin.  If he was going to ask her to the Harvest Dance he needed motivation!  He needed to stare at her and say...

"...really hot Kaylee.  I mean really hot!  You don't mind if I take a picture?"

"Naw, Colin.  Going to this field means that we have all the time in the world.  And, you know, it is awful quiet out here..."

Klein would have started shouting if he could have controlled Kaylee's mouth.  And if it hadn't been occupied with Colin's tongue at the moment.  As his spirit disappeared inside Kaylee's superficial mind, he only wondered what had happened to everyone else in God's Circle?

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Alices: Part I

"...and continuing down this rabbit hole of decadence, sin, and depravity!  Halloween is the devil's work, and American must stand astride the moment and shout that we accept neither trick nor treat nor a wonderland of evil but JE-sus!  That we...(and here his voice dropped to a quivering whisper) We accept Je-sus.  Amen."

"Sounds great.  We'll roll it out."

Looking out from the lectern, the famed Televangelist Reverend Harry Morton smiled.  Music to his accountant's ears.  When the vice president of marketing for Federal Department Stores, Inc., said "we'll roll it out" everyone in the room understood what it meant.  It meant millions of dollars.

Morton exchanged fond glances with the televangelists gathered around the room.  Most had gained wealth and fame imitating not just his sermons, but his business practices.  But this had been his idea, so most of money would go to, his ministry.  Roll out the harshest, more religion-drenched assault on Halloween America had ever seen.  Retail would fund it, clearing the holiday out of the way so it could begin the Christmas sales rush earlier than ever before.  Across the nation the message would go forth.

And finally they had a message.  Morton and his friends had cooked up an impassioned sermon invoking America as Alice, following sin and depravity down a rabbit hole from which it would never return, but only led to Brimstone.  The answer was to reclaim the land for CHRISTmas.  It could drag in the children, the teenagers, the old.  They'd all be donating and protesting, the way they always did.  Halloween would be dead in America.

Which coincidentally would make stores even more money by expanding the Chistmas shopping season, and opportunity for which they'd promised to see as a way to donating millions of dollars to certain megachurches.

Enjoying a celebratory bourbon with his associated, Reverend Smithson smiled at them.  "With your sermon and their money, today is a grand day for us.  The Holy Spirit will glory on this day!"

Though the whereabouts of the Holy Spirit are not privy to us, upon this day some other spirits, old, ghostly spirits reduced to the day of Halloween but still powerful, stirred with anger at this news.  And their revenge would be direct.  This is the story of the Alices.

Monday, September 30, 2013

My final four

Ladies and gents,

Below are photos of me in my final four possible costumes.  A short discussion of each appears below.  Mind, once I choose one I will invest heavily in accessories such as just the right wig, accessories, tights, etc.  I won't promise to go along with your votes, but comments are VERY welcome:

Taking each in turn...Minnie Mouse is very pink and foily, which is the best part of it.  The skirt is tiny (hence the cutoff) and dress is tight.  It's a very girlie costume, but doesn't have much to build on.  There's no tail, nor are there any behaviors or extras in which to engage (aside from eating cheese?) that really go with it.  However, overly rouged cheeks with a pink tone would go well, and the idea of having a face that is foolishly feminine helps.

Cheshire Cat is something.   Pink and purple all over the place, and a rather flimsy and attention-getting dress.  Carrying that stupid smile all day would be really ridiculous, and as a bonus I can imagine some games that could ensure by hanging a tag off the tail daring people to grab it, so I'd have to "earn" it back.  Comes with the little booties and arm warmers for bonus silliness.

Goldilocks may be the most classically feminine of these costumes.  It's definitely a silly little thing that demands disbelief and condescension.  Skipping would be a natural way of transport on this, and for sure I'd be carrying around a teddy bear with me the whole time.

The One Dir ection fangirl is interesting.  It is probably the most, hm, believable one for a girl like me?  It's also pretty humiliating.  With enough accessories and pink would be undoubtedly feminine even though wearing jeans seems a bit odd for this costume, even if they are super tight.  (I had on my Bie ber shirt cuz the 1D shirt was in the wash).  Though definitely embarrassing, where does one go from here?

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Dear neighborhood party store...

Thanks for changing your shopping system so that I can come into the store, frown at my phone, request two costumes by number and size, and have you fetch them from the back.  Far superior to browsing creepily and wondering where the larges are.  I appreciate the convenience and will show it by giving custom many times.

I hope to do a photo show to have help picking my costume soon.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

On fire

I've never felt so on fire as I did when trying on a certain costume today.  It has the full accoutrements, foolishness, girlishness that I want in a costume.  Years ago I'd not even have had the guts to wear it, but I think I will this year.

Not saying which one, but I may be in love.*

*I am still going to try a couple others, but I feel pretty sure about this one.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Dumped in leaves

So Master was raking leaves over the weekend and made a giant pile, and told me I had to jump in.  Now, I was suspicious...I mean, girls "like me" don't like to get messy that way, so I smartly refused.  So what happens next?  He picks me up and dumps me in the leaves.  Of course, I have to shriek and squeal like the girl I really am while he stands and laughs.  All set, right?


Because oops my fake diamond ring fell off my finger and got lost.  So here I am, trying to stay clean while pawing through the pile of leaves looking for the stupid thing.  For half an hour before I find it.  This is why I hate nature!!!!!

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Still more instructionals

For everyone who hasn't asked what I want on my birthday, the list is here: 12 perfect gifts for a Directioner. Of course I own half that stuff, but you can never go wrong.  The list dovetails well with this instruction sheet, er, self-description: "17 signs your child is a One Direction Fan"

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Some ideas

I'd earlier mentioned some of what I like in a costume and read your comments.  I've read some old posts and it's funny -- some costumes like pink devil kind of floated their way up from earlier ideas.  Others never have made it to the top.

Anyway. here's some of the choices out there:
Goldilocks: A feminine, frothy outfit with a cute yellow pinafore. A nice girlish outfit.
Girlie baseball player: A pink dress mocking the idea of being a boy athlete, with ready-made props.
Girlie jailbird:  A pink and black striped chest and leggings with matching pillbox hat. Maybe a a handcuff attached to one wrist, the other open. If anyone asked, I'd say my girlfriend tried to cuff me, but was too stupid to do it right. I'd have keys sewn onto the back shoulder, so if anyone tried to complete the job I'd be truly helpless.
Hello Kitty: Not normally my thing, but the costume is adorable and popular...

Whatcha think??

Sunday, September 1, 2013

H'ween 2013, a preview

My annual post.  September 1, when I first begin to think about Halloween, my favorite holiday...

To review, I've been many a thing over previous years, along with links to the entries about each humiliating experience for the three most recent ones:
2012 - Sailor girl
2011 - Girlie clown
2010 - Pink and black devil girl
2009 - Honey bee
2008 - Strawberry Shortcake

I may post more on what I want/hope to have happen that night, but for now, I'll repeat some basic ideas that make a costume good:
  • A costume that was girlish and what I call insignificant. "Insignificant" not in terms of the fabric used, but rather in the message it sends that I'm just a silly little girl, not important. Bonus if it is a pink/sparkly take on something usually manly (why the devil girl was a good choice).
  • The idea of having to obsess about the state of my clothing with props and elements to constantly be adjusting and trying to control.
  • Something that will garner attention, either through color, light, noise, what have you.
So I have some ideas I'm weighing in my head for this year, but what do you think?   What costumes do YOU say I should consider?

Monday, August 19, 2013


Every word that I write is true.  Longtime readers know of my history of trying to find satisfaction in dressing up in my best/worst and going out for some humiliation.  Though I've on occasion gotten a little bit of embarrassment, it's largely lacked...initiative?  I had tried pizza places, donut shops, and aside from some fun in Halloween very little.

Turns out I was just trying the wrong place.  I was away for some corporate training far from home and decided one night to pursue this little hobby of mine, but had the idea to be a little more....studious.  Rather than drive in circles building up courage, ready to receive my mockery once everything had closed, I got smart.

First of all, I did little things to boost my confidence.  Walking through the mall wearing a red bracelet that read "directioner" followed by a heart did little but was a good start.  I was taking a risk.

Then I kept my shorts and shoes on but changed into a Rainbow Brite top and necklace and got some ice cream.  The girl did not react one bit, though I'm not sure the three cashiers really needed to gather at the register just inside the window...

Then I realized, wait a minute.  I needed to go to a place where people mocking others was encouraged.  I went to a local "Tilted Kilt".  For those not too familiar with the chain, it's basically the Hooters ethic and mindset but with more of a Scottish overlay.  So about 40 minutes before closing, I called them.  Informed them that a guy would be coming in wearing what I was wearing, and looking for a waitress job application, and could they make the occasion a memorable one?  The lady who answered the phone laughed and said she'd talk with her manager and work something up.

So twenty minutes later in I walked.  Those bored with detail can skip down a ways as I want to describe how I was attired.

I had on a little pale blue jean skirt with a green and blue plaid ruffle.  It was short, short enough that I was a little nervous that my blue panties that read "AMAZING" in pink glitter might peek out.  It covered my rear but not much more than that.  No leggings or anything, and a pair of slip-on sequined leopard-print ballet flats.  Up above, my new favorite thing - a pink padded bra that gives me just the right amount of cleavage.  Over that was a tight neon pink tank top, and over that a open-necked white crop tee with a large graphic of a lip print in pink and black leopard pattern..  The full effect was girlish, with hemlines shifting both top and bottom making it just about possible to adjust everything so that my midriff doesn't show and nor do my bra straps.  But just barely.

I had three rubber bracelets on that read in turn "single" "text me" and "love" and a necklace with absurdly large "I [heart] One Direction" pendant, and another with a purple leopard-pattern heart dangling.  Plus I ditched my prescription eyeglasses for these fake ones with pink and black frames.  With worse vision, and blurry fake lenses, it made me even more vulnerable as my vision was impacted.

So I spent five minutes in the car before I bucked up courage and walked in.  The place had about 20 customers in it, and to my shock nobody at the hostess desk.  So I stand there, adrift, squinting a bit to figure out the next step.  Meanwhile I'm aware that every patron had likely registered my appearance in this depressingly well-lit bar.  I drifted behind a nearby table for what little good it did hiding my legs.  Finally, whether purposeful or not, it became clear I had to go into the place to complete this mission.

I walked up to the bar surrounded by patrons.  True, nobody laughed or gawked or pointed, but I was aware of how much I stood out, leaning slightly on the bar in this ridiculous outfit.  The bartender saw me and affected a bit of a posh accent saying "we've been waiting for you, darling".  I faked surprise, and she refused to even say if anyone had called.  I finally asked for the job application and she said she'd "see her manager".  She went into the kitchen.

And I waited.

and waited.

I looked at the bar stool, considered hopping up.  But with a skirt that short, would be panties show in the back...or the front?  I decided to play it safe. Was she taking her sweet time on purpose?  Who knew, but I decided that this was a pretty good sense of how it likely feels for a woman to be "on display" in an outfit of their choosing.  My clothing screamed out look at me.

Finally she came out.  I will confess to being a bit relieved. This exposure was a little for a scaredy cat like me, and I was ready to get back into the car.   The barkeep walked over to me and put down a small packet on the bar, with a sparkly blue pen.  "Okay, fill this out and a manager will come over to talk to you. Okay, sweetie?"

I looked up, a bit sharply.  "Fill it Now?"  I may have squeaked a little.

She smiled a bit evilly and nodded.  She gave me a steady glare, the kind that a fetchingly clad woman needs to have in a bar.  What was I to do?

So here I am attired like a sixteen year old looking for a party, filling out a Tilted Kilt application at the bar.  Talk about on display.  It was horrible.  It was thrilling.

Now, I do have two regrets.  The first was that I was a bit on overload, and I started to fill out the application "out of character".  I filled it out as a male, close to who I am (not exactly...wasn't giving them my social security number).  Hand trembling a bit I went through all the statements, work experience, references...the thing seemed neverending.  I'm pretty sure I got the date wrong I was so nervous...

About ten minutes later, I looked up, done.  She smiled and walked over, coming around the bar.  She took the application and nuzzled up to me a bit the way they are expected to in this place.  Blinking her eyes, she asked me "do you really want a manager to come up and talk to you?"  That's my second regret as I shrugged my shoulder and mumble something about if that is what happens next.  The barkeep gave me a I've-tortured-you-enough look and said "you don't have to".  So I nodded, and she resumed "someone will look this over and give you a call in the next thirty days, sweetie."

I turned and walked out, with the other waitress calling out "thanks for visiting sweetie.  I love your outfit!"

And that was that.    I breathed heavily, and the dopamine flooded my brain.  Wow that was awesome.
   I gotta keep an eye out for those places.

Friday, August 9, 2013


In Master's telling, it goes like this.  Someone at work was commenting when some new shirts were being passed out that it was "just like high school".  Apparently, she said, at her school cheerleaders were constantly decorating shirts with fabric paint, ribbon, etc. for "various occasions" Master had a huge smile while telling me this.

He has already assigned me the colors blue silver and white, and said my team is the "Knights".  I ask you loyal readers, for what occasions would these shirts be made?  I'm guessing it's just not "the days before the game".  Is it about the team, or the squad?  Other squads?  A specific occasion?

Best ideas in the comments will result in a shirt made by me posted later on....

Tuesday, August 6, 2013


Master says I've been too shy lately, so I'm posting this selfie that I just took on my comp.  A coupla things you might notice:

I LOVE accessories...I a wearin 10 bracelets and 6 necklace
I LOVE iD but you already new that
I can be a little bit of a flirt teehee

So one last thing, this is HARD.  Because Master knows I need to take care of my stuff, I have to be very careful to take off the necklcaes in the order I put them on so they don't get tangled.  Sometimes I do it wrong, and it takes half an hour to take them off.  IKR?

Friday, August 2, 2013

Selectively deaf

"Is your loan going to be a good deal at that rate?" was the answer I asked.  Probably a dumb question, of course.  Not dumb the way that Master likes but in the way that I ask.  Master was on the phone with the bank, talking about interest rates and all that.  He's buying a car.

I asked brightly, smiling as I am supposed to, showing interest.  It might have been the word "rate" showing my knowledge of the principle of interest.  Perhaps the fact that I had obviously tracked the conversation, but once I again I was too smart.  What to do, what to do?

Well, Master made a proposal about my allowance soon after.  I would end up getting a lot at the beginning of the month, but having to pay it back at the end under certain conditions.  In other words, I was going ot get less money.  And I was obviously expected to take it.  Which I did.

So my stupid question caused a cut in my allowance.   That's all.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Light-iup fandom

Technology is amazing.

It can get people to the moon or cure cancer.

It can also make a little light up bracelet.  Say, putting the logo of my new favorite band, with a setting so that it flashes.   It flashes all night.

And it can be the only source of light in a backyard when you're forced to track down seven bracelets, also with the band's logo on it, because you forgot to wear one yesterday. 


Sunday, July 28, 2013

Sleepwear ideas?

So I'll be on my own for a couple nights pretty soon.  Ideas for how I should pass the night? Sleepwear?  Accessories?  Background?

Friday, July 12, 2013

Success! Darn....

So of course Master announced I had "summer skool".  After doing badly on assignment after assignment that he gave me to ensure I wouldn't be punished for "acting too smart", he declared I failed and unless I wanted to stay back I'd be doing more worksheets.  Of course this was all ridiculous -- I do badly on his orders then he punishes me for doing badly!?  Well, I'll show him, I thought, and my first math worksheet I double-checked to make sure I got every single question right.  Punishment or no.  When Master corrected it, he didn't blow up.  He didn't get mad.  He just smiled.  Congratulated me.  Obviously I'd been working and studying very hard and I should be proud of myself.

Actually, we should go out to celebrate the next day.  And yes, he prescribed an outfit for me to wear.

Of course, didn't he insist I put on some tiny cutoff shorts and my "brainiac" tee that morning.  My heart pounded in the car...we weren't going to actually sit down at a restaurant are we, with me stuck there looking like that all the time???  We finally pulled up to a rather non-descript strip mall.  What were we doing here....

Thursday, June 27, 2013

All the bad in one place

Wow, is there an industry devoted to making me miserable?  Seriously?  Is there some people who sit around and try to figure out what Master will buy to make my life horrid?

I ask because he came home with an new purchase the other day...the "One Direction" edition of Girl Talk.  Basically Girl Talk is truth or dare board game that costs $30.  Master says this is an "authentic" experience, because it includes dares that would be proposed to girls "like me".  Except now trivia questions about One Direction are added!  It's good practice, having to collect little items and dream about stupid things like going to a show in a stretch limo...then you get a Backstage Pass if you win!  Not a real one, obvs.

It's great little shopper training.

I don't really play against Master, as that would be beneath him.  Instead, I have so many turns to win, and punishments occur if I don't make his goal.  Like last time, I ended up with 10 temporary tattoos on my arms, back, and face showing my love for One Direction, and no way to remove them. That was a fun trip to the pharmacy...

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Spirit sleepwear

I did really bad.  I did not remember the names of 4 of the boys on the squad I cheer foir.  I don't mean just the numbers, I mean their names.  I felt I could die.  Thank goodness Master has realized that I need help.  Not just remember that -- girls like me are bad at math.  Just help in being more spirited.

Master suggested I go to you and ask for help designing some sleepwear that would make sure that it would seep in and keep me spirited.  See, I tried already.  I suggested a red tank top (team colors) and a white thought bubble on the front that read "dreaming of Tigers wins!!"

Master said that wasn't good enough.

Then, my face really red, I said how about a shirt that said on the back "Follow me to see the best football team ever, the Freshman Tigers!!"

He said that was closer.  If I had suggested best and cutest, maybe he'd have been happy.  But I didn't.

So now it's your turn readers...what should be written/drawn on what I wear?  If something really good is suggested, I may actually make it...and sleep in it!

Saturday, June 22, 2013


So, Master had had me busy lately "converting" my wardrobe.  What does that mean?

Well, in addition to wanting to be a veterinarian, cheerleader, and dancer, I "want" to be a fashion designer, and Master felt I should practice.  So what is happening is that I am spending a fair amount of time "converting" my masculine wardrobe to feminine.  My first attempts were crude, dying things pink.  I've gotten much better now.

I have several headbands made of former ties that look cute with certain outfits.  And I spent a couple hours yesterday taking an old softball league shirt I had, making it into a cutoff, cutting off the sleeves, and tying the shoulders with some cute contrasting fabric.

Next up, somehow turn my board shorts into short shorts...I'm thinking extended pocket liners?

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Nail polish "love"

Well, it's flip-flop season, and I need to find my "signature" color for my toesies which will spend much time out in the open.  I've already committed to my "WMYB" anklet that whacks my ankle every time I move, and Master told me I had to also pick out a cute color of nail polish for my toes all summer long.

It was very simple...I was dropped off at a drugstore and told to find a "cute" shade of pink...with the word "love" as part of the name.  So there I was, hovering in the makeup aisle like some sort of freak, looking at shade after shade.  No, I couldn't grab and go.  I had to stand there like a weirdo, examining several bottles.  It might have been ten minutes, but it felt like ten hours.  No, the "love& beauty" line at Forever21 doesn't count -- I asked Master.

After forever, I finally found a shade called "summer love", and this is where something horrible happened.  I put it down.  I put it down because it had a big purple element, and I didn't think it looked good.  (I thought the color called "First Date" was cute, know...)

I stayed because I didn't like my first possibility.  I took pride in having cute toes.  That will be painted in "dangerously in love".

Tuesday, June 11, 2013


One big part of my interests, and role playing, is the idea of competition.  A competition to see who can humiliate themselves more, or act in a girlier way.  Perhaps who can take a more convincing photo and post it online, or answer more questions about the group of the moment.  The "loser" has to undergo another trial to spur her on.  Whomever doesn't make the better poster has to hang it up in public.  Whomever makes the uglier outfit has to wear it, etc.

Now all I need is a judge and another "girl like me".

Needless torture

Well, it's June.  Which is always a tough moment for "girls like me".  After several months of gossip, cheer practice, shopping, and flirting...suddenly I'm supposed to be worried about school?  As in, all my friends might get promoted and I have to stay back and do the whole thing over again??

This means lots of extra credit.  After being punished for a while if I was too good at my school work, now I'm punished if I don't do tons of it.  It seems that Master is inventing new stuff every day for me to work on.  I was up until 2am last night working on some stupid report about, I don't know, plants or something.  And of course, I still ahve to answer all the texts and update my Instagram all the time.  So not fair!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Now he's just messing with me

Look at the top I got today from Master.   It's a blue crop top tee from abercrombie that says "brainiac" on it.  Am I supposed to wear it, or hide it?  It's cute, but the whole 'brainiac' thing is him so obviously making fun of me....  Would I be dorky to wear it, or kinda like just cute and makin fun of myself?

PS:  Justin Bieber duct tape?  Seriously?

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Proper Moods

Why couldn't some things just stay in the 70s?  I'm not talking crazy hair, disco, or bell bottoms -- though that's okay, too.  I'm talking mood rings.

I bought a mood ring under orders from Master the other day.  Of course, those things are fiction, and I would tell him that if I was allowed.  But gullibility is part of the package for girls like me, so I kept my mouth shut.  Unfortunately, now I am constantly checking my mood ring, because a happy, peppy girl like me could get in trouble if it reads any negative emotions.  School spirit doesn't mix with negativity, Master reminds me.  Boys don't like negative girls, either.

It's almost as if he's looking for another excuse to punish me...

Friday, May 10, 2013

Awesome advice

Wish I had seen this about how to be a superfan during the fall!!!  Tons of good advice, such as:

If you're doing this for your special boy, write his number on your cheek, but be careful not to write it backwards in the mirror. You don't want a 9 to come out looking like a P.


cheer when your boy makes a good play and don't care about what others around you think

Great ideas about how to be a superfan!  Maybe I should practice for baseball in case, but someone will have to tell me when to cheer -- is it when my special boy makes a three pointer?

Sunday, May 5, 2013


You may wonder, how does Master have such control?  How does he monitor me 24/7?

Well, he doesn't.  But he could -- because I have to have this with me.  So on some afternoons my "zone" is a pedestrian walkway in my tight girlie shorts...I can't leave it without him getting a text.  Sometimes I am sent somewhere and told to act like the girl I "really am"...and he can listen in.  Or maybe not.   The device is meant to track children to make sure they don't get into trouble.  Or in this case, to make sure I do.

And of course I have the pink one.


One of the hardest parts of being a girl like me is coordinating outfits.  Not like a matchy matchy thing, but there are so many tings you have to do to make an outfit right:

-It has to be trendy.  No tiered skirts or extra long tank tops.  So last year.
-It can't be too much like yesterday's outfit.  Three days of Hollister tops in a row?  No!
-It has to show it matches the day.  Is it school spirit day?  Dress crazy day?  Wear blue on Tuesday?
-Friends.  It would be dorky if we all looked alike.  So is my bestie going to wear white?  I shouldn't.
-Cuteness.  Might we go to the mall after school?  Will I be partnered with my crush in English class?

This is SO hard!

Saturday, April 27, 2013

On my obsession

Just a find I thought to share with like-minded folks who (maybe one of you?) also have my weird interest in initiation rituals for "girls like me".  It also makes me marvel that it took by five years to find this reminiscence.  Make sure to read the comments, too.   A passageway of note:

We were each given a plastic spoon and told to line up. The senior girls walked by with opened jars of baby food, of which we had to sample each...By this time, it was about 5 in the morning.
And this is one of the more benign parts.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013


Girls "like me" have a tentative relationship with swearing.  One one hand, it doesn't exactly make one seem innocent and helpless, and a girl my age shouldn't be using bad words anyway. can show how tough I am, what a bad-ss, and it could impress girls or boys I want to like me.  All this to say that I'm expected to swear, but not in front of Master.

I mean, of course he reads my emails and eavesdrops on me so he knows I do swear.  Yet I'm not supposed to do it in a place he can really hear me.  Dropping a mirror in my bedroom, I use the "f-word".  Dropping a mirror in the living room where Master is working, nuh-uh.

So like many other kids, I have a swear jar to break me out of the habit I've been told to get into.  The only issue: I can't use change from my "fake life".  Only quarters I've gotten buying bubble gum or cute bracelets...which means when I run out and it's a while until my next allowance, I have time to get nervous.  Where's Master going to send me this time to break a dollar because I said the s-word?

Monday, April 1, 2013


Imagine this...being put into a little Halloween costume (yes I know it's April).  You ring the doorbell, and your attempt to trick or treat is met with laughter and the door is slammed in your face.

Impotent yet angry, you start to write something on the victim's door in lipstick.   Concentrating on what you're doing, you jump a little when something clicks around your ankle.  Knowing what you're doing, the homeowner has chained you to their front railing until you clean the mess you made.

As people walk by, there you are scrubbing down the doorway, dressed in a costume...and that doesn't even consider the long walk back after you've earned your freedom.

Just a thought.

Saturday, February 9, 2013


Who wants to be my valentine?  What would you want from me....  ?  OX

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Destroying the evidence

We are at war with Eastasia.  We have always been at war with Eastasia.

Master would kill me for even admitting I know that quote, but it is relevant today.  Because today is about destroying the evidence.  Like any girl "like ", when I crush, I crush hard.  Obsessively.  It dominated my mind, how cute he is, our life together, what to wear for him, etc.  So it is expected I'm always writing little notes about him, stupid little poems, drawings, etc.  And I put them in my notebook, on my bulletin board, on my mirror, etc.   I will have my crush's name in about 10 places at the end of the day.   Add in "Mrs. Ashlee XX" and it's twenty.

Then I break up with him.  And ia m expected to remove the evidence I ever like this boy.  Maybe he looked at another girl, wore an American Eagle sweatshirt (so 2009!).  Whatever the reason, we're no longer a thing and I'm single again.   And boy do I get punished if I don't remove the evidence fast enough.  If Master sees a little heart reading "I Love Randy" anywhere after I dumped him, or moved on in my mind, I get a stern talking-to about my reputation, and it's okay to be a flirt but not a tramp, etc.   Sometimes I get punished.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Being honest

The following is true:

So today, I walk into a store to buy some One Direction stuff.   Cuz' they are all such great singers and Harry is so cute and I thought it would be a perfect birthday present for Harry who is super cute and yesterday was his birthday.

So, the cashier says jokinlgy, "Well, someone likes One Direction!"
I laughed and "That's true."
She jumps in before I can go on and says "I think these are for you."
And I smiled an agreed as she rang up the rubber bracelet, vinyl wall decals, and pillowcase.  We had a teasing conversation about how I thought they were wonderful musicians, and all that.  

Good times.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

With a whimper?

It's been a solid span of time since I posted here, and this may be the end of it.  I'm out of ideas.  My motivation is shaky.    Despite a healthy read count, I think I'm done.   I welcome inspiration or suggestion from people, but sweating out a post for two comments doesn't much seem worth it.

I'm all ears, and I enjoy this blog, but it hasn't really gone anywhere.  Perhaps 100,000 views is a good place to end it.  Any thoughts?